Mackay is about to turn 5. Which means in September she will be in kindergarten. Yeah, the 7 hours-a-day-gone-from-home-and-away-from-mom place. I’m not quite sure I’m ready. Thinking about it can bring me to tears and we’ve still got five months until the beginning of the school year. So I guess I’m pretty sure I’m not ready. I just cannot imagine her. being out in the world. without me. She’ll have to make her own decisions. Solve her own problems. Make her own friends. Stand up for her own self. all alone. What if she gets lost in the hall? What if someone is mean to her? What if she starts crying? What if she drops her lunch? What if she can’t find someone to play with during recess? (And here’s where my heart sinks.)
But Mackay is so excited. All she wants to do is grow up. I can drive the car, I promise! she tells me. I can go in the store myself. I can stay at home by myself. I can do my own hair. I can make my own smoothies. I can cut my own pancakes. It really never ends. She even tells me she needs a cell phone…so she can text her friends.
So on Sunday after our general meeting, just when we were to split up into classes, Mackay told me she could take herself. She didn’t need me. I immediately didn’t want her to go, but I knew she could do it herself. My little girl, in the big sea of people walking through the hall. I knew she knew where her class was and where her teachers were. As much as I didn’t want her to I let her go. She really is growing up, I told myself. I watched her walk out of the room. And then my class started and I put it out of my mind.
And then Nate walked in, after taking our son to his class. And he told me he found Mackay. In the hall. By herself. Crying. She said that she decided she did want her mom after all. She said that she missed me. And I knew that no matter how big and grown up she appears to be, no matter how much she tells me I’ve ruined her life because she can’t have a cell phone, she’s still my little girl. And oh how much I love her.