It was just yesterday, and I was in the kitchen, opening the door to the pantry to throw something in the garbage can, and I had the thought, “I love my life.”  That simple, but that specific.

I don’t know what it is.  But I like it.

Zack has started trying to say words.  FINALLY.  Almost 18 months.    And he hit the 20 lb mark, too.  FINALLY.  At 18 months.  Today he said, “puppy”.  Or rather, “phuhee”.  And you would have thought I won the lotto with the way I was jumping up and down.  I could have cried.

Zack has been having some health problems.  Minor or major, we don’t know yet.  Blood tests including Ciliac disease have come back normal, but his test for Cystic Fibrosis is coming up next week.  I’ve always felt that Zack’s life was a gift.  But today it might seem even more precious, with the unknowns still looming before us.  My days right now are filled with me trying to memorize him how he is right now.

I kiss his cheek as hard as I can just so I can feel it squish against my face.  All day long.

I ask him questions.  Any question.  Because with anything I ask his response is “uh-uh” and a shake of his head.  Even if he wants it.  And even if he has no idea what I’m asking.  I smile every time.

I read the same exact book to him every day.  It’s a touch-and-feel book, and at the end there is a piece of chocolate cake, the texture is fleece.  And we pretend to eat it.  And feed it to each other.

If he brings me his jacket, and his shoes, I put them on him without a question.  And I open the door for him so he can lead me outside.

One of the best parts of my day is when I get to watch from a distance.  As Zack and Mackay play together.  Get in trouble together.  And laugh together.  I think I could watch that all day every day.  Mackay can just look at him a certain way, or move her leg just so, and he won’t be able to contain himself with giggles.  Last weekend we were driving in the car and Zack was screaming.  There was a giant box from Ikea sitting between them.  So Mackay hit the box and yelled at it.  And in the middle of his screaming, Zack burst out laughing.  Again. And again. And again.

So no matter what happens tomorrow, I’m going to enjoy today.  Because today isn’t ever coming back.

I have never seen Sex and the City before.  And last night I watched a whole 20 minutes.  And what I can gather is that it makes you want to live in New York City…single…and filthy rich.  It looked so glamorous, but yet in the 20 minutes I watched, I saw three different women crying.  Sign me up!  Or not.

We went to Ikea this past weekend.  And bought a shelving unit for my office/bedroom.  My business stuff was so cluttered and unorganized in the original boxes they were shipped in, lining the walls of my bedroom.  It made me cringe every time I saw it/stepped over it.  In my head I would yell, “WE NEED A BIGGER PLACE!  I CAN’T WORK IN THIS!”  But now it’s beautiful, and contemporary, and screams at me: package something!  I need a few more finishing touches and I’ll have to take a picture.  I just come into my room, close the door, and stare at it.  Seriously.  Multiple times a day.  It makes me SO unbelievably happy.

One of my New Year’s Resolutions this year was to get out more.  Make more playdates for my kids (which everyone knows is playdates for moms), more date  nights with my husband.  It’s not even the end of January and I can’t believe how my circle of friends has grown.  People that we’ve invited to do things aren’t only reciprocating, but new people are wanting to hang out.  I have turned into a FUN person that people want to know!  In less than a month.  I should market this plan and sell it for big bucks, but it’s not much of a complicated equation.  Now people want to get together and I have to say, “I’ll have to check my schedule.”  I’m that cool.  The only thing cooler would be to say, “Call my assistant to set something up.”  Or, “Would you like me to add you to our playdate waiting list?”  Or maybe that’s bordering on crazy.

When we had Mackay I thought I was a good parent.  But then we had Zack.  And I realize all the good things about Mackay I had nothing to do with.  Because with Zack, I have no control.  And I have no idea how to find that control.  I’m lost.  Just like all those other parents I felt bad for when I only had my angel child I thought I raised.