I love them. I really do?

I always knew that I wanted kids.  And I always knew that I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  But I could have never known how difficult it would be.  Nate thinks I’m a little bit crazy.  Some days he comes home and I’m standing right in front of the door.  Without a greeting I say, “Here are YOUR kids.”  I’m done.  I’m emotionally, and physically, drained.  I think of my day and long for a quiet moment in the bathroom by myself, or a shower before 1:00pm, or a full nights sleep, or a nice meal where I eat all my food–by myself.  Or even the idea of standing in a kitchen alone, without tripping over one child, and feeling a constant tugging at my pants by another.  I think of how many times I had to clean up messes, or say the words, “Give that back to your brother.”  Or “time out!”  I think of how difficult it is to go grocery shopping, or go to the post office.  How difficult it is to make dinner in the evenings.  When I have two cranky kids and I’m exhausted myself.  I think of Zack.  And how the kid WON’T SLEEP.  (Just now, after almost an hour of crying, I think he is finally asleep.)  And Mackay, who thinks she’s smarter than me.  And when I tell her not to do something she just says, “Then don’t look.”  When did I lose control? And in these moments I earnestly wish for no kids.  (Did I just admit that?)  Yes.  For just a day…or two.  To get a little bit of life, and sanity, back.  To know what life is like in the outside world.  Where people are awakened by alarm clocks, and then they get in the shower, and then they eat breakfast.  And those activities are easy for them, even mundane.  Sometimes I with for easy and mundane.  And quiet.

And then right before bedtime.  When we seem to have a moment of peace.  And Mackay and Zack play TOGETHER.  And I hear the beautiful music of their laughter.  And I think, “There’s no where else I’d rather be.”  And I say to Nate, “I sure love my kids so much.”  And he looks at me weird, because just two hours before they were “HIS”  and now they are “MINE”.  And then the conversation in my head goes something like this, “Maybe I could have another.” And then Zack starts crying in his crib.  When he is supposed to be sleeping.  And I think, “Nevermind.”

So when sometimes I have good days, and sometimes I have bad, today is a bad day.  Nate was leaving for work this morning and I wanted to cry.  To reach out for his leg and not let go.  To switch him places.  I have no idea how I am going to get through the entire day with these kids.  And leave them, and I, in tact.  But I will.  And I will do it again, tomorrow.